In 2013, something happened that affected me deeply. I was on Facebook one day, only to discover (in a private group I was in) that someone was mocking me concerning my testimony, and other people I have known pretty much since I was 6-years-old (who I thought were friends of mine) were “liking” her post. They obviously forgot I was in the group and could see what was being written. I was then kicked out of the group later that night when it was discovered I saw the post.
I felt so angry…shocked…horrified…betrayed…and it really hurt. I sent the woman who said this a private message to talk to her about it, and she tried so sum up her reason for making the comment by saying I’m living a lie. She said I’m a lesbian and that I should just stop trying to change myself, because there’s nothing I can do about it.
These comments might not have affected me so much if they didn’t specifically attack a fear and a wound that I already had.
(For those of you who are not familiar with my testimony, you might want to read this post so you know what I’m talking about). People are going to say harsh things, I know. I’ve obviously also had people say things about me before, but this one seemed to really stick with me. Probably because I’ve known most of those people my whole life, and I never thought they would side with someone who was mocking me (who really doesn’t even know me like they do).
When I read what she wrote (and the correspondence that followed), I remember telling my husband about it and then saying out loud, “Nice try, satan”. It felt like a dart directly from him, and I was determined to just put it behind me and move on. The problem is, I let that lie (which was already wrapped in fear) penetrate my heart. I had such trouble not reminiscing about what she said, and it started to really affect me.
Fears like these started to encompass much of my thinking:
- Maybe everyone else is talking about me behind my back.
- Does everyone else think this about me, too?
- Am I just living a lie?
Over the next several weeks (turning into months) I felt paralyzed with fear concerning this. I had such a war going on inside of me, and I started to distance myself from other people. People would ask me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t know what to say, or how to even say it. I’m generally a pretty private person, and I don’t tend to discuss what I’m going through with too many people until after I’m already on the other side of something.
This is when I started to realize that I had unknowingly walked right into a wilderness season in my life.
It was at this point that I made the decision to seek counsel from a trusted friend/Christian Counselor I know. Being able to talk about all of this with someone I trusted was huge for me. The Holy Spirit has shown me so much wisdom and insight through her, and it has helped me to see the journey God has had me on while giving me hope of things yet to come.
One thing that God has reiterated to me many times is there is a huge difference between the “fear of something” and “truth”. That may sound obvious to many people, but when you’re stuck in the middle of something involving fear, sometimes it can be really difficult to recognize the difference.
This was the beginning of the season I’m still in right now (Feb. 2014). Like I said in my last post, I’m not sure if I’m in the middle or close to the end of this season, but I’m glad to finally start writing about my journey so far. I look forward to sharing more with you soon.