women & same-sex attraction

Sharing My Story, and More About My New Book

The other night I shared my story on Facebook Live, and I also shared more about my book. In case you missed it, I saved the video for you. You can find it on Facebook, Vimeo, or here on YouTube:

1 thought on “Sharing My Story, and More About My New Book

  1. Whew! I may or may not have briefly burst into tears when you got to that part about how your mother-in-law says she simply loves you more. (-: That really struck a chord in me…maybe just because it felt like an acknowledgment of how much difficulty and struggle things like this can take to deal with. Even though she (presumably) hasn’t been through the same things, I just got this sudden rush in my head of, “She knows how much it hurts.” Shoot, I’m already tearing up again. Got to get it together before my family asks, ha.

    Anyway, I also wanted to say that how you described being a buffer resonates SO much for me. I was deeply passionate about the topic before I even counted myself as a member, because I’ve always had a very strong sense of empathy and also of justice & logic. I understood what it was like to be tempted to do various things that are not right, but I was also raised in a way where I had very much come to terms with the fact that you’re not entitled to do or have something just because you want it, and thar the rules are there for good reason. What’s more, I was forever witnessing the negative impacts of not following Scriptural principles, so there was constant proof and confirmation of “Ta-da! This is why we do or don’t do that.”

    It’s like growing up being well versed in the dangers of intoxicated driving and also constantly getting to see all the fatal and injurious accidents and other issues that result from it. It’s not a huge deal that I can’t drink & drive, and I don’t feel like it’s some kind of entitlement or right being denied. Plus I hate the idea of hurting people or acting in a way that’s ultimately cruel, callous or selfish, so no, that doesn’t appeal to me.

    And with the community, I understood temptation but also understood the moral principles, and then the more I learned about the potential causes and especially the actual consequences (for MSM, especially) it was a horrifying and heartbreaking picture. On the one hand it just showed how much people are suffering and how desperate and hopeless you have to be to subject yourself to those things, but it also made me furious at the amount of ignorance there is in society, how people are just blindly supporting this stuff, and how the truth is being hidden and these lifestyles are being so wildly misportrayed and mishandled in the media.

    There’s a proverb I saw that says, “Before you tear down a wall, first find out why it was built.” That’s so true here. And I don’t see a lot of other egregiously damaging behaviors, nor other sexual abnormalities, promoted,
    glamorized, and justified the way this stuff is. Heck, the same channel that’s pretending to be oh-so conscientious by campaigning against cigarette use is busy trying to normalize painful and physically disastrous sexual malconduct and lifestyles to underage children who’ve no clue the real implications of what they’re seeing!

    And I don’t hear people say, “Well, I have friends who are alcoholics or on meth, therefore it’s okay and I’m cool with their bodies and minds and lives being destroyed and wasted like that.” Yet that’s essentially what they’re saying about people like myself, and it makes me sick. If I love someone, the last thing I would want is to see them subjected to that sort of degrading, harmful, disappointing, and often both physically and mentally painful behavior. And I would hope that a friend or partner would care enough about me to feel the same way. That’s really what kills and infuriates me about all these supposed “friends/allies,” especially when I take the time to educate them and they still don’t bloody care.

    We’re not worth more than that? What’s going on with us is okay? As a human being, I don’t deserve better treatment in life than being in unstable, unhealthy, upsetting relationships and/or having my body wrecked and degraded by unhealthy, painful, & unsanitary acts? Nor should I, in the spirit all this “love” and “kindness” everyone talks about, treat others better than that?!

    I’ve made very wrong choices before, and the worst part for me was knowing how selfish and unkind it was for me to harm other people like that. I’m not okay with it, nor should I ever be okay with it, and if someone actually cares about me, I don’t feel they should be okay with it either.

    If a woman consents to staying with a guy who does things like beat women or have them engage in urohpagia, that doesn’t make what’s happening okay. Yes, she has to take responsibility for her part in allowing a relationship to continue, especially if she “consents” to the specific abusive behaviors, but they’re still abusive. And the amount of callousness I see all these “I have gay friends” people just sickens me, and their words feel meaningless.

    I’m not okay with seeing people in general, let alone people I specifically care about, treated in certain ways, and even their allowance of it or supposed enjoyment of it doesn’t make it okay. If I see a human being drinking toilet water, do you think I care or should care whether they “enjoy” it?! I honestly don’t care! As a human being, we should have certain standards of conduct, of cleanliness (another thing no one seems to want to be honest about these days. Apparently having “friends” magically makes blatantly unsanitary acts clean? Bull.), etc. If they’re either damaged or desperate enough to be doing that, let alone enjoying it, my regard and respect and compassion for them as a human being makes me want them to get help, not for me to turn my back on them and say, “Hey, if they enjoy it!”

    People enjoy meth and heroin highs, too! Guess I should just abandon them to their addictions and say it’s okay for their teeth and organs to get destroyed, just as long as they “enjoy” it or tolerate the damage.

    I didn’t mean to be so long or heated, but I just feel so hurt and betrayed and frustrated by it, especially after I take the time to try and educate people about it. I understand that those of us within the lifestyle keep banging our heads against the wall because of our root issues, plus the fact that we’ve been led to believe this is our only option, so we just keep trying to make it work. Just like addicts & people with other self-destructive issues, like cutting.

    But it’s these supposed friends and allies and relatives that I can’t stand. They’re the equivalent of the sober or non-depressed people in an addict or depressed person’s life, so theoretically they should be willing and able to take a much clearer view and acknowledge the truth, but instead they just turn our backs and say that our suffering is okay? I don’t see anything “loving” about that, and it feels like they’re unwilling to make the barest gestures of actually caring about us in a meaningful way. I’ve been reduced to all but begging people to just acknowledge the truth—that this behavior isn’t normal, and more importantly, not healthy or proper (and for certain stuff, not remotely sanitary, for that matter! Geez!), but they refuse to do even that. I’m not asking them to bring it up or visibly oppose stuff, mind you. I’m aware of the public controversy and I also know how defensive people will get of their own lifestyles and how these “friends” mainly seem concerned about not having the LGBT people in their lives get mad at them for speaking truth they don’t want to hear. I don’t ask people to stand up. All I ask is that they not make things worse by approving of, encouraging, or deceiving people about this stuff.

    I’m not asking people to put out any fires, just acknowledge internally that they’re there and not throw gasoline on them, but they can’t even do that. It just feels so callous and weak and self-centered to me. And I’ve made major errors in my own life and can be very forgiving of stuff when people are sincere and willing to turn things around. But the fact that they insist on continuing to hurt and turn our backs on us so that they can take the easy way out at our expense, and then have the nerve to talk about how much they love us…there aren’t enough words for how angry, sick, hurt, frustrated, and disgusted I feel over it. It’s also so demeaning. People act like we’re some sort of helpless toddlers or animals with no capability of making choices like everyone else, and also like we’re nothing more than walking libidos, and maybe a few emotional wants or needs. It’s okay if we’re in constant physical pain, have chronic infections, have lost continence, and our romantic relationships are unhealthy in various ways—just as long as we get some sexual pleasure and moments of emotional enjoyment between the massive amount of unpleasantness, it’s okay if everything else is a disaster, apparently. Our friends don’t think we’re worth more than that.

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