women & same-sex attraction

Journey Into the Wilderness

In 2013, something happened that affected me deeply. I was on Facebook one day, only to discover (in a private group I was in) that someone was mocking me concerning my testimony, and other people I have known pretty much since I was 6-years-old (who I thought were friends of mine) were “liking” her post. They obviously forgot I was in the group and could see what was being written. I was then kicked out of the group later that night when it was discovered I saw the post.

I felt so angry…shocked…horrified…betrayed…and it really hurt. I sent the woman who said this a private message to talk to her about it, and she tried so sum up her reason for making the comment by saying I’m living a lie. She said I’m a lesbian and that I should just stop trying to change myself, because there’s nothing I can do about it.

These comments might not have affected me so much if they didn’t specifically attack a fear and a wound that I already had.

(For those of you who are not familiar with my testimony, you might want to read this post so you know what I’m talking about). People are going to say harsh things, I know. I’ve obviously also had people say things about me before, but this one seemed to really stick with me. Probably because I’ve known most of those people my whole life, and I never thought they would side with someone who was mocking me (who really doesn’t even know me like they do).

When I read what she wrote (and the correspondence that followed), I remember telling my husband about it and then saying out loud, “Nice try, satan”. It felt like a dart directly from him, and I was determined to just put it behind me and move on. The problem is, I let that lie (which was already wrapped in fear) penetrate my heart. I had such trouble not reminiscing about what she said, and it started to really affect me.

Fears like these started to encompass much of my thinking:

  • Maybe everyone else is talking about me behind my back.
  • Does everyone else think this about me, too?
  • Am I just living a lie?

Over the next several weeks (turning into months) I felt paralyzed with fear concerning this. I had such a war going on inside of me, and I started to distance myself from other people. People would ask me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t know what to say, or how to even say it. I’m generally a pretty private person, and I don’t tend to discuss what I’m going through with too many people until after I’m already on the other side of something.

This is when I started to realize that I had unknowingly walked right into a wilderness season in my life.

It was at this point that I made the decision to seek counsel from a trusted friend/Christian Counselor I know. Being able to talk about all of this with someone I trusted was huge for me. The Holy Spirit has shown me so much wisdom and insight through her, and it has helped me to see the journey God has had me on while giving me hope of things yet to come. 

One thing that God has reiterated to me many times is there is a huge difference between the “fear of something” and “truth”. That may sound obvious to many people, but when you’re stuck in the middle of something involving fear, sometimes it can be really difficult to recognize the difference.

This was the beginning of the season I’m still in right now (Feb. 2014). Like I said in my last post, I’m not sure if I’m in the middle or close to the end of this season, but I’m glad to finally start writing about my journey so far. I look forward to sharing more with you soon.

8 thoughts on “Journey Into the Wilderness

  1. My sweet Amy, I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through such a difficult time. There are people in our lives that just need to say things about us because they have their own fears about who they really are. Sometimes other people, be it family or friends seem to get caught up in the drama for no good reason other than they are human and sometimes they don’t stop to think about how much it could be hurting someone. They think,” Well, I’m not saying anything, I am just agreeing with her.’ They unfortunately think that it is justified that way. I know how much friends and even family can hurt, and it makes the hurt go deeper in your heart. You are such a wonderful person, and I wish I could have just held onto you and let your hurt leave you and enter me. Please don’t let small minded or false friends get to you. You are a special woman of God and you are helping so many people just the way God intended you to do. Before you were born, I believe he had your life mapped out for you. I know I am not good with words, but I hope that you understand what I am trying to say hon. I love you Amy

  2. Hi Amy, Since the moment I met you I have continually respected you and been upheld by our friendship. I have never once had any of these thoughts ever cross my mind. You are not living a lie: you are living in God’s truth – the truth of His holy word the bible, the truth of his Holy Spirit, the truth of the living Lord; and in God’s purity – the purity of our saviour and Lord Jesus Christ. Your life as a woman of God, as a wife, as a mother, as a faithful and caring friend is a witness to your faith in the living God. To not see this is to not see or understand the power of the living God working in your life. So… sing the victory song and dance with joyfulness and be glad, for the Lord has made you and is with you. With love from your friend Alice.

  3. It really hurts and sucks when someone puts you down like that. Especially if it is someone you trust or respect a lot.

    I stopped writing on ETM over a year ago because of something one such person said to me. It hurt and made me start believing a lie. I was going to say that it wasn’t related to any fears that I had, like yours where, but as I started to write that I thought about it and I think I did secretly fear what he said, which is why it hurt so bad when he said it. I started to believe it and I quit writing.

    Thankfully as we seek God and give these fears over to Him we start to see them in the light of the truth. And slowly those lies melt away.

    Everything you went through sucks. Having people talk about you behind your back really hurts. Why do Christians so this?

    Anyway, I’m glad that you started writing again. It shows that God is working in you. Keep the faith. 🙂

  4. Amy,

    I felt the same way, sorta at my old church. No one hardly ever talked to me or asked if I wanted to come to the Sunday or Wednesday night services. Also there was little subgroups. I hated that! So that’s why I am at The Salvation Army.

    There’s a song on my facebook page called “Turn Around” sung by Anthem Lights. Give that a listen too. I hope that song might help.

    Your Sister in Christ,
    Cassie

  5. Peace be with you Amy,

    Praise Jesus for giving you the courage to talk about this situation!

    I encourage you to continue to stand on the truth of God’s word. Through these situations, the Lord reminds us how much we need Him and should depend on only HIM! In these moments, is when we should seek refuge in Him and remain confident in the fact that He is working it all out for your good and for His glory.

    Rejoice, again I say rejoice and do not become weary in doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!

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