I receive many emails from women struggling with porn. I never anticipated the amount of emails I would also get from parents wondering how they can help their daughters who they fear are addicted, too. I often never know how things turn out.
The other day I received a follow-up e-mail from Nikki, a teenage girl who first contacted me almost a year ago. So much has happened in her life since then. I love to see how God can so completely transform a life that is surrendered to Him! This was part of her original e-mail to me (shared with her permission):
“See, I’ve been addicted for porn for almost 3 years now and am pretty much completely stuck. I’ve tried everything to get out, and I mean everything. My story’s a bit different from yours in that I have told multiple people about my struggles and it’s in the light, but nothing is changing. I have a couple different accountability partners and have been prayed over by everyone I’ve told who is a Christian. Still no change. None.
It frustrates me to no end because I would think that, like you, I would start moving towards freedom once I tell someone, and yet I’ve had no progress after telling many friends. A catch, if it makes any difference whatsoever, is that with the accountability partner that I originally started out with here in person, I started lying to her about my progress and didn’t tell her when I fell back into porn after 13 days. She thinks I’m good to go, and we actually don’t talk about it anymore. But I’m totally honest with an accountability partner I have online.
I don’t understand why I am not finding freedom. Maybe it’s because I am not strong in my faith, maybe it’s because I’m not trying hard enough, maybe it’s because I don’t feel like throwing it away at this point. I don’t really know. I know all the answers and ways to get out in my head, but haven’t acted on them or believe them in my heart. I feel so distant from God. There have only been a couple times when I’ve actually felt God or felt like I felt Him at the least and I asked Jesus to become my Savior when I was 4.
I sometimes doubt He’s there (even though I know that He is there with me), I tend to ignore Him quite a bit, and I feel so unworthy to talk to Him or ask for forgiveness when I continue to give in. So maybe it’s because I haven’t figured out how to trust Him and truly feel Him or hear Him since I really don’t. I’ve tried, well, sort of. I think that I’m also scared because if I try I might not actually feel Him or experience Him and that will leave me disappointed and hurt.
I feel hypocritical, too, which is pretty normal I think for anyone who is struggling with this. But, honestly, it kills me. My mom, just the other day, was talking about how she isn’t a strong Christian and that she struggles with many things…and said I have a perfect relationship with God. I had to keep myself from laughing out loud because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m addicted to porn! I wanted to shout, to let her know that I’m in a much worse place than she is. But I can’t do that, can’t tell her. I’d be grounded for all of eternity… So where would that leave me if she knew what I’ve done?
Wow, sorry for ranting… I’m just so discouraged and tired and I wish every single second of every single day that this addiction would just go away. The memories haunt me and I can’t break free. But, I can break free. I need to stop believing the lies, but how can I do that when I don’t believe the truth?”
- What do you think her life looks like a year later after writing this e-mail?
- How do you think her relationship with God is now?
- How much do you believe a person’s life can change in a year, when their heart and life is surrendered to God?
John 8:36 says, “So if the Son set you free, you will be free indeed.”
I know that you will have tears (good tears) in your eyes when you read what has happened in Nikki’s life since this first e-mail she sent to me. I asked her permission to share all of this with you, because I want to encourage those of you who struggle or have friends/family who struggle. Jesus can change any heart surrendered to Him!