When I was 18-years-old, I started having dreams (of a sexual nature) about a very good female friend of mine. Up until that point, I had always liked and dated boys and had absolutely no frame of reference for same-sex attractions. I didn’t know what to do with my dreams and certainly did not want to tell anyone.
My feelings for my friend started to change as I dwelled on the dreams I was having of her, and I eventually decided to tell her. This is when I discovered she felt the same way about me. We talked about what we were going to do, and we decided to pursue a relationship with each other.
A couple of years later she moved away, and I was absolutely heartbroken. Up until that point, I reasoned away any thoughts of being bi-sexual, because it was something I only had with her. As time went on, though, I found myself wishing I could find that same kind of closeness again. Being with another girl started to feel like a very good fit for me, and I never experienced that same kind of connection with any of the boys I dated.
I started asking myself, “Am I bi-sexual? Am I gay?”
I slowly started embracing these attractions as part of my identity.
After that relationship I spent many years wondering what it would be like to be with another woman, and I fantasized about it frequently. I did not actively pursue another relationship like that, but I yearned to find that kind of deep connection again.
In my mid-twenties I gave my life to Christ. As I started learning more about who God was (and who He created me to be) I started to realize that He did not create me to be with another woman. That was so confusing to me, because it felt so natural. I saw myself in Romans 1:25 when I read, “They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise!”
I had put the deep desire for a relationship with another woman far above anything else. As a result, I was putting them in a very high place where only God deserved to be.
I spent years forming an identity that God did not create me to have.
Years later, I married my husband and thought I could put all of that behind me. By that time, I had been fostering those attractions for almost 15 years, and trying to shove down my attractions was not working anymore. I secretly started watching (lesbian) pornography and was trapped in shame. I eventually confessed all of this to my husband, and our marriage started down the long road of healing.
We do not necessarily choose the attractions or temptations we have, but it is our choice to decide whether or not we are going to embrace them. We will always have temptations on this earth, but we run into problems when we include those temptations as part of our identity.
I was no longer in a lesbian relationship, but I was fostering those attractions by continually fantasizing about being with another woman again. It wasn’t until I tried to stop all of the sexual fantasies that I realized how much a part of myself it had all become.
God created each one of us, and He is the author of our true identity. Our identity includes many different aspects of our lives, and our sexuality is part of this. God’s Word is clear about His design for sexuality. When we go outside of those parameters, we are in dangerous territory and outside of His will.
Going our own way leads us to death, but when we embrace His ways, we will find LIFE and true fulfillment.
If you can relate to what I have written and are going down a similar road (whether it has been 1 month or 35 years), I want you to know that I truly empathize with this. Renewing my identity with how I knew God saw me was a long and sometimes lonely and painful process. I did not know of any other Christians who were walking through the same thing. Thankfully more people are talking about this now, and it is part of the reason I am so open about sharing my story.
Have I ever experienced the desire to be with a woman again? Yes…but not at all like before. I have found something more fulfilling. ❤️
On this road with many twists and turns, I have found a deep intimacy with God that I never knew existed before. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Jesus has also healed my heart in many different ways. In Him, I now know that same peace and fulfillment that I had always been searching for.
He took my deep desire to be with another woman, and He filled that place in a holy way with Himself. I know that does not sound logical, but it is true and lasting.
Allow Jesus to begin the process of healing your heart, setting you free, and showing you who He created you to be. Give your life to Him! You can trust Him with your heart, your identity and your entire life. He loves you so very much. (The words healing and set free can mean different things to different people. I know this is such a delicate subject. I am not talking about lying to yourself or being in denial. Please refer to my previous posts about my journey where I talk about that more.)
The goal shouldn’t be falling in love with someone of the opposite sex as much as it needs to be falling in love with Jesus and surrendering your whole life to Him.
As I have surrendered my life to Him, He has healed my heart in many different ways over the last several years. I know firsthand that Jesus can restore us when we give Him the broken pieces of our lives and hearts. Freedom is found when we fully embrace who we were created and redeemed to be.
This is a testimony I shared a few months ago on this subject, if you’d like to watch it. You can also click here to watch it directly on Vimeo.